Thai Herbs and Spa: A Review
From time to time, I’ll treat myself to a massage from LA Thai Town’s Thai Herbs and Spa—an hour-long treatment that’s indulgent yet surprisingly affordable. If you’re unfamiliar with the Thai technique, it’s a bit like paying someone to do your yoga for you.
So I lay here semi-lifeless, composing this review entirely in my mind as my favorite Thai lady, Jane (not her real name) works me over with the dexterity of a late-era Houdini. And oh, it’s magnificent. One of the best ever.
Jane doesn’t say much as she writhes around in this dark, scented space, except to ask me repeatedly if I’m okay (I’m a moaner), if I like the tiger balm and between grunts, she utters the word “tight” because I suppose she admires my physique.
A word of warning: at Thai Herbs and Spa they prefer you in loose clothing, so they provide an ambiguously-holed pair of pants, like scrubs for the morbidly obese that you can wear backwards as easily as forwards or both legs in one, if I prefer. And a pre-owned t-shirt with the neck cut extra, extra wide like we used to do to our Gold’s Gym sweatshirts in the 90s oh we didn’t? my bad.
Point I’m trying to make is when you’re done, don’t make the mistake of looking at yourself in the mirror because if you’re a dude, you WILL look like this. And if you’re a lady, you will look like this. And then you will have no choice but to take a picture of yourself looking like this.
Jane tells me that sometimes, her clients come in the room buck-ass naked and she has to tell them in her broken English “no, put on the clothes, man!” and they say “it’s cool, Jane, I don’t mind” and she answers “yeah, but I mind—I’m about to stretch you all out and I don’t need your dick and balls swinging in my face” and she does it—she actually does the motion with her arm of [pendulous] dick and balls swinging inches from her nose. She says that makes them laugh and they tell her “Jane, you’re so funny.” She’s not wrong.
So she works on me for an hour which depending on your constitution may seem a little too long, but it turns out being just right for me and for Jane, I guess, too, who has not yet eaten lunch so her stomach keeps growling and it sounds like this. She giggles through it.
So that’s my review. If you have a spare 45-spot, you owe it to yourself to get down to Thai Herbs and Spa on Sunset and request Jane (not her real name). Unless you’re an asshole, and in that case, request Shirley, who will stand on your face and punch you in the gennies for a solid hour.
