Sho Kôsugi spars with Cathy, who has forgotten her pants: A love scene
Screw it. I linked to this clip from “Revenge of the Ninja” (1983) at the end of my previous long-ass post about Sam Firstenberg, but honestly, it needs the room to itself.
Cho: Cathy, you help me so much. I really think I should pay you.
Cathy: No, really! I love doing things for you, Cho. Besides, my karate training is more than enough. I just want you to teach me the way.
Cho: Well, if you want to work out, you forgot your pants!
Sam Firstenberg directs Shabba Doo and Lucinda Dickey on the set of Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo
You should know the name Sam Firstenberg because here are some highlights of his filmography, all properties of The Cannon Group:
- “Revenge of the Ninja” (1983)
- “Ninja III: The Domination” (1984)
- “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo” (1984)
- “American Ninja” (1985)
This image comes from a Firstenberg fansite with some firsthand stories such as the one about how Sam, a 22-year-old from Poland, approached Menahem Golan, a titan of Israeli cinema who would go on to purchase The Cannon Group, about working as an unpaid PA, and soon would work his way up through the ranks to make his first feature, a Western-style action flick about ninjas, which he knew nothing about:
Golan got involved as a producer and director of the first of a new breed of action movies. It was “Enter the Ninja” the first martial arts movie to introduce the Ninja phenomena to western viewers. The idea to make a western style Ninja movie was presented to Golan by Mike Stone, a prominent American karate champion and formerly Elvis Presley’s personal trainer.
So here I was, ready to tackle the challenge of my first big action flick. I was handed the script and introduced to Sho Kosugi, the tallest Japanese person I had ever met. Sho was the spirit behind the project, an accomplished martial arts fighter and Ninjitsu expert who had come a few years earlier to Los Angeles with Hollywood on his mind.
He was the Ninjitsu advisor and in this capacity he made sure that every known Ninja weapon and every Ninja fighting trick, method, custom, ceremony, and accessories, would be included in the script. It was exciting and I understood it was important to the success of the movie, but my first decision right away was not to follow in the steps of the Hong Kong flicks, but rather to approach the movie as a straight Hollywood action movie with a martial arts slant, and the Ninjitsu mysticism the icing on the cake.
And my favorite part, on casting the role of Cathy:
The actress cast to play the lead was not able to come from Los Angeles to Utah and we were forced to cast the part locally. Unfortunately the pool of actresses in Utah is considerably smaller than the choices in Los Angeles, and our top choice was a local model, Ashley Ferrare. I called Golan to inform him of our decision and to let him know that her acting abilities left a lot to be desired. “Never mind her acting,” he replied, “how is her body?” As a model she was clearly well built, although, as I told him, “Her breasts are clearly inflated with foreign substances.” All he wanted to know was whether she would be considered sexy on the screen, and when I said that I thought she probably would, he replied “Then she is hired.”
Please, PLEASE watch this short clip as evidence of Ashley Ferrare’s performance. And I quote:
Cho: Cathy, you help me so much. I really think I should pay you.
Cathy: No, really! I love doing things for you, Cho. Besides, my karate training is more than enough. I just want you to teach me the way.
Cho: Well, if you want to work out, you forgot your pants!
Nine Deaths of the Credit Sequence
Clearly, this was an attempt at some sort of a Bond-esque intro to the 1985 Shô Kosugi suckfest “Nine Deaths of the Ninja”, what with the sexy(?) leotard dancers Vaselined to within an inch of their lives, the budget fog machine, the best pop ballad $350 could buy, the delightful(?) interplay between weaponry and the female form (which, would it have killed them to rehearse first?).
Shô Kosugi was a hero to me as a kid. But had I seen this, my life might’ve gone in a completely other direction. And not into ninjutsu. Like it did. Because I practice the art of the stealth assassin. I’m a pirate. Now I’m a wizard. Now I’m a sexy leotard dancer.
Bruceploitation
I realize I should be sending this wikipedia find through the proper channels, but I couldn’t wait and wanted to include this supplemental video, a clip from The Ninja Strikes Back (1982) starring the inimitable Bruce Le (not to be confused with Bruce Li or Bruce Lei, who were hacks).
Bruceploitation is a cultural phenomenon mostly seen in the 1970s after the untimely death of martial artist and actor Bruce Lee in 1973. Movie makers in mainland China, Hong Kong and Taiwan hired a great number of Bruce Lee look-alike actors to star in many cheap knock-off martial arts movies to cash in on his success after his death.
Some of the movies were simply rehashes of Bruce Lee’s classics, such as Re-enter the Dragon, Enter Two Dragons, Return of Bruce, Return of the Fists of Fury or Enter the Game of Death. Others told the life story of Bruce Lee and explored his mysteries, such as Exit the Dragon, Enter the Tiger, a fan favorite, where Bruce Li is asked by Bruce Lee to replace him after his death, My Name Called Bruce and Bruce’s Fist of Vengeance.
Winners: Exit the Dragon and My Name Called Bruce.
NOTE: Justin Lin (Better Luck Tomorrow, Fast & Furious) paid homage to Bruceploitation in his 2007 low-budget mockumentary Finishing the Game: The Search for a New Bruce Lee, which is honestly not that bad.
“Ninja Assassin” (2009) trailer
I post this not because it looks especially good (though it does look especially kickass, which is unrelated to good) but because anyone who claims to know me knows my affinity for the ninja movie genre—especially the Shô Kosugi/Golan-Globus collaborations of the early 80s.
And I might have dismissed “Ninja Assassin” entirely if not for this major coup: the character Lord Ozunu (the badass middle-aged bad guy in the trailer) is played by none other than my childhood hero, the icon of many a bedroom poster, Shô Kosugi. This is going to be fucking sweet. One time I pooped in my ninja costume.
The Master (and His Balls)
Here’s the teaser and opening credits from the glancingly-referenced 1984 TV show (found in the “wanderer” section of your local VHS-mart) The Master.
It stars Lee Van Cleef (as played by Richard Roundtree performed by Yaphet Kotto) as the eponymous Clarence the irascible Master Ninja, and Timothy Van Patten (interpreted by an 80-year-old demented Estelle Getty) as Clarence’s sidekick, His Balls.
It never struck me while watching the tapes over and over and over as a child with a ninja fetish that the two stars had “Van” in their surname and that they drove around in a custom-painted van.
Only a Ninja Can Make a Ninja Movie
Ninjas are played out, but ninja movies will never lose their cool. And I’ve been waiting for the longest time for someone of taste and means to revive the genre previously dominated by Golan-Globus and the Canon Group, and to do it in a meaningful way (not you, Tom Cruise and Ed Zwick), which is why it gives me great hope to read of the Wachowskis’ plans for the space.
I grew up on ninja movies, I had Sho Kosugi posters all over my wall (and even got to meet him at a tournament once), and I knew all the ninja gang signs he does in the clip above (from Revenge of the Ninja (1983), which is the ninja cinephile’s Citizen Kane).
To learn more about ninja movies, be sure to check out the following:
Rejected Gladiator names
You probably already know that ‘American Gladiators’ has been revived from the Desert Storm and freshened up for a new war. You may even know that it’s proven against no insurmountable odds to be a huge success on the airing of its premiere episode. But what you probably don’t know is that I’ve decided to make a list of jokey names of Gladiators and that I’ve published said list below.
For some context, here is the current lineup of the Oily and Hormonally-Imbalanced Ones: Blast, Crush, Fury, Hammer, Hellga, Justice, Mayhem, Militia, Siren, Stealth, Titan, Toa, Venom and Wolf. For the role of each of the current Gladiators, several names were auditioned and ultimately discarded:
- Blast - Bang, Plastique, Zapp and Roger, Finger
- Crush - Manboobs, Geminuts, Waterboard
- Fury - Daterape, Rachmaninoff, Steroid
- Hammer - Wheezer, Keychain, Huge Black Hitler
- Hellga - She-Devil, Woman?, Jennifer
- Justice - Dog the Gladiator, Blackwater, Li’l Puppet
- Mayhem - Akimbo, Colosto, Buddy
- Militia - White Ninja, United States Marine Corps, Breadmachine
- Siren - Jazzhands, Shut Up!, Dangerboogie
- Stealth - OJ, Gaseous Clay, Handsy
- Titan - Tantrum, Tantra, Malibu Wildfires of 1993
- Toa - Toga, Taco, Toto
- Venom - Razorburn, Tincture, Dandy
- Wolf - Tom Wolfe, Virginia Woolf, Wolf Blitzer (deemed too ethnic)
